Waking Up To An Unwanted Truth
by BitOBonesFluff
Summary: I'm taking a little artistic licence (well a lot actually) and trying to give a glimpse into the days and weeks after Jack Hodgins wakes up after collapsing in the hospital in S11 episode 10. It's a little one chapter drabble at this point. I don't know if I have the heart to continue it. But then again, I might try. Characters aren't mine. You know the drill.
1. Chapter 1

I think I woke up sometime during the night. It was dark. So I'm guessing it was night time. I could hear a soft buzzing noise, underneath the louder beeping that is next to my head. What is making so much noise? I know that noise. Why can't I think properly? I need to go back to sleep. Tired.

Beep

Beep

Beep

* * *

Why am I still in bed? Why can't I get up? I must be really tired. I can't open my eyes. My eyelids are so heavy. So tired.

* * *

Hello? Is anyone in the room with me? Can you tell me why I can't open my eyes? Why I'm so very tired? Anyone? Why can't I talk? I guess I'm still alone. Why do I always feel as though I'm alone. Not that it matters. I'm far too tired to wake up properly. Maybe just another half an hours sleep. I'll wake up then.

"Jack? Jack sweetie? Can you hear me? Honey?"

I can hear you Angie. I'm just so tired. I can't even talk right now. Can I just sleep a little bit longer? I'll talk to you later.

* * *

"When is he going to wake up? I thought you said the coma would only last a few days?"

I'm awake Angie. I'm just so tired. I can hear you though. Coma? I'm in a coma? No. That can't be right. I just need to sleep a little bit now. So tired.

* * *

Why does my throat hurt? Where am I? What's going on?

"Mr Hodgins? Can you hear me? Don't try to speak. Just blink your eyes. Yes. That's right. Twice for yes. Can you understand me Mr Hodgins?"

I'm blinking. Can't you see? I'm blinking. I hear you. What is going on? Why can't I speak? What is this thing in my mouth. I need to cough. I'm going to cough.

"Relax Mr Hodgins. It's your breathing tube. Don't fight against it. I'll fetch the doctor. We'll have it removed for you. Just relax."

* * *

It's so bright. I can't hardly keep my eyes open, the light is so bright. Can someone turn that light off? Why can't I talk? Oh wait. There's a tube in my mouth. That's right. Some lady told me that. When was that? I can't keep my eyes open. The light.

* * *

"Now, Mr Hodgins. I need you to cough. Can you hear me? Is the light too bright? Nurse, can you turn off the main room light? Thankyou. Now is that better? Blink twice for yes, that's right. Now, I'm going to gently pull on this tube. It's going to feel odd, but it's not doing anything bad. If you can cough, do so. It will help expel the tube. Ready? One. Two. Three.

Oh God that hurts.

Stop. No wait. Keep going.

My throat hurts so much.

"water" Was that me? My voice sounds weird. Like an old man. At least the room isn't so bright.

I guess I'm in hospital. How long have I been here? Why am I here? Nurse? I need a drink. Can you hear me?

"water"

"Now just a tiny sip Mr Hodgins. We have to do this slowly. That's right. Well done Mr Hodgins."

"jack"

"Jack? You want me to call you Jack? OK Jack. Now just one more little sip. There. Good. I'm going to go and fetch the Doctor. Just keep swallowing gently and try to keep your eyes open if you can."

Her hands are soft and cool. They feel nice on my forehead. Thank you. OK. I'll swallow but it hurts. I wonder what hospital this is? And where's Angie? I still feel so tired. My whole body feels heavy. I'll try to move later. I'm so tired.

* * *

"Mr Hodgins? Welcome back sir. Now. You probably are wondering where you are. You're in hospital. You collapsed about ten days ago. Just lie still. Don't get upset. You collapsed and we placed you in an induced coma to help with swelling. Do you remember anything about the days prior to your collapse? The explosion? No? Well no matter. Don't worry. Your memory will come back. Sometimes it takes a few days after being under. It will return. For now? I just want you to lie still, breath slowly, swallow and try to keep your eyes open and look around the room. Shall I turn on the TV? Yes? You've slept for a long time. Your wife is on her way in. We called her as soon as we removed the breathing tube. I'll be back later to talk to you and your wife together. Well done Mr Hodgins"

"jack"

Well OK. Jack. I'll see you soon."

What did he mean lie here and just look around the room? What am I? A cripple? Wait. I can't move my legs! Come on. Come on! OK Jack. It must be from the coma. Maybe that's why he told me to just lie still. My body hasn't recovered from lying still for so long. That's OK. It's OK. Just breath slowly. In. Out. That's it Jack. In and out. Nice and slow. Yeah. I just gotta let my body wake up. In. Out. In. Out. God I'm tired. Maybe just a little nap. Just until Angie gets here.

* * *

"Jack? Sweetie?"

Oh Angie. You're here. You look tired. But beautiful.

"hi"

My voice sounded so broken. Like an old, old man. I don't even sound like myself. But at least I could say something.

"Oh Jack!" Angela cried, lying across my body, cradling me in her arms "Jack! I didn't think you were going to wake up. You were asleep for so long. I was so scared!"

"I'm tired" was all I could think of to say. It is the truth. I am tired. But I'm finally feeling awake at the same time. Something isn't right. I just can't put my finger on it right at this minute. I'm sure it will come to me soon. I hope it does.

Angela sat up and stared at me. "I know. I know sweetie." I can feel her hand patting my arm. I want to hold her hand.

"Ah! Sleeping beauty has awoken!" a deep voice said, as a handsome man walked into the room, smiling widely. "Mrs Hodgins. Mr Hodgins." he said, nodding at Angela and then me. "How are you doing now. A bit more awake?"

"I feel good" I lied. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. But I'm guessing it's what they need to hear. "My throat is sore. And my chest hurts. I can't feel my legs" I had to say something.

"Ah. Well the throat is because of the breathing tube. Do you remember I told you about that? Yes? And your chest hurts because when you collapsed, you stopped breathing. Just for a few moments, but of course our staff began resuscitation, so that's why your chest hurts."

OK. I understand all that. But there's something going on. Why does he keep looking at Angie like that?

"my legs"

"Sweetie. You remember the explosion? While you were out in the field with Aubrey and Cam?"

Of course I remember that. I nod. My throat hurts and I don't want to talk too much.

"Do you remember being at the hospital and collapsing? You had been complaining of a pain in your back"

"aspirin" I do remember taking those "I was taking aspirin" Why are they looking at me like that?

"what is going on" I'm not sure I actually want to hear the answer.

"Mr Hodgins. Jack. You collapsed because you had massive swelling around your spinal cord."

"ok"

"So much so, that. Well, you're spinal cord has been crushed. Damaged quite badly in fact. I'm sorry."

Why is he apologising? Why is Angie crying? OK focus Jack. Listen.

My doctor started speaking "Jack. I'm afraid."

There he goes looking at Angie again.

"Jack. You're paralysed sweetie. Oh Jesus, you're not going to be able to walk Jack." Angela is talking funny. Like her throat has closed up.

She's crying so hard, I can hardly understand what she's saying.

"angela? Say that again?" I just need her to say it slowly.

"Your spinal cord is damaged and you aren't going to be able to walk. Not for a very long time. If at all." she's lying over my chest again. She's shuddering as she cries. I'm not sure what to do. I want to comfort her. But I actually want to push her off me. I want to throw my legs off this bed and stand up. I want to prove them wrong. I want to yell at them See! You're wrong! I can stand up. I can walk! I want to run out of this room with Angie. I want to get in my car and drive home and lock the door so all of this is outside.

My doctor started talking again. His rich, deep, baritone voice was actually quite soothing.

"Jack. I know this is a lot for you to take in. And I'm sure you're thinking that we're wrong right now. But I assure you. We've done all the tests. I hope we're wrong. I really do. But I don't think we are. But you shouldn't lose hope. One day. We hope the swelling will completely disappear, and the pressure will be off your spinal cord and it will repair either alone, or with medical intervention. But right now. I'm sorry. You will be leaving here in a wheelchair. But for now, I just want. No I need you to relax and build up your strength. Eat. And do the physio therapy we have set up for you. And we'll get through this together."

"I'm paralysed?" was all I could say. In fact that's pretty much all I heard. That and the world wheelchair.

* * *

I feel like my brain has exploded inside my skull. I made Angie leave. I couldn't deal with her crying every day. I've asked her not to come for a week. I need to be alone. I need to just try to process this. I keep thinking it's a dream. A joke. That someone's going to walk in the door and be laughing and say, "punked". But somehow I don't think that's going to happen.

Truth be told, I don't actually remember collapsing. I can remember the explosion. I remember Aubrey saved my life that day. I remember having back pain. But I had been released from the hospital. They said I was fine. Some bruising. I guess it's way more than that.

It's the weirdest feeling. I try moving my legs so hard. I concentrate and focus and nothing. I can't even make one little toe twitch. I've tried punching my legs. Pinching them. I even stabbed myself with my fork. And then got in trouble with the nurse when she came to change me. Oh yeah. Adult diapers. The specialist has told me that I may or may not get that control back. I can't think of anything more soul crushing than not being able to control my own bodily functions.

I guess I can deal with it for now. Kinda. Because I don't have a choice. While I'm here, it seems almost normal. But they keep talking about sending me home in a couple of weeks. I just can't. I can't go home and have Angie changing me like a goddam baby! I'm going to need someone looking after me twenty four seven. I've read the manual. I've seen the movies. I just can't do that to her.

And what kind of father am I going to be to Michael Vincent. I've told Angie not to bring him in. I don't want him to see me like this. Like a pathetic half man.

I just want to go back to sleep and not wake up.

I just want.

I can't even tell you what I want.


	2. Chapter 2

"Just try Hodgins. Please. For me." Angela's voice was pleading. She didn't even try to hide the fear in her voice any more.

I find it hard to look her in the eye. Her eyes are always filled with unfallen tears. Or sometimes they are trickling down her cheek. I find myself staring at them. Shiny, clear orbs. They get dragged out of shape as they are pulled down her face by gravity. They reach the curve of her jaw and sometimes they just cling there, unwilling to let go and drop. But they always do.

"Jack?"

Her voice broke through my thoughts.

"I can't Angie. You know I can't. I've tried. You've seen. I can't" My voice sounds whiney. I hate that. Sometimes I don't have control over that either.

I can feel her staring at me. Big dark brown eyes. Almost black. In the right light, they are like a mirror. I can see myself in them. Not today though. Her tears are distorting my image. But I kind of like it. That's how I feel. Distorted.

The PT guys are standing either side of me, holding me by my upper arms. Their fingers are digging into my biceps as they hold me up. Trying to make me stand. But, as usual, my body is refusing to comply. These things that used to be my legs are useless logs of flesh and bone with no inner strength.

The swelling in my spine, caused by the explosion that Aubrey and I were caught in, really did a number on me. The specialists keep telling me that they are hopeful that this won't be permanent. I nod and smile. Well, it's more like a grimace. A smile. A true smile, would require some sort of emotion. I don't have much of that left in me. All I seem to have now is a black hole. I don't really feel much of anything these days. And that scares Angie to death. She sees that I'm not the man she married. She doesn't know who I am any more.

Hell, I don't know who I am any more.

"I'm going to have to go and pick up Michael Vincent from Brennan's." she says.

"OK"

"Do you want to see him today? I can drive back with him. He really misses you Jack." her voice trails off, waiting for some response.

I managed a shrug. But it isn't enough. It's never enough.

"Jack! I asked you if you want to see your son. He misses his Dad!"

I force myself to look at her "I don't know what you want me to say. If you want to drive all the way there and then back, I can't stop you."

It's not what she wants to hear, but I don't know what else to say. At some point I have to see him. I guess I want to. He is my son. I just.

"Are you sure he will be able to handle this? Me?" My hands were supposed to point to my legs, but they just dropped down by the wheels of the monstrosity I was perched in.

"Jack. Sweetie. He won't care about the chair, OK? I've told him that for now. For now, you need it. Until your legs get better." Her voice stumbled over that last sentence. I think I smiled.

"OK"

She kisses my cheek. Then my forehead. She hasn't kissed me on the lips since I woke up. She kisses me like she kisses Michael Vincent. I guess she thinks I'm acting like a child, so she's going to treat me like one. I don't like it. I want her to kiss me like my wife. Like a woman. I want her tongue in my mouth. I want to see if I can. If my body. I want. I want to feel like a man.

* * *

"Daddy!"

My sons arms wrap around me. It feels good. I wasn't sure I wanted him here. But now I'm glad. I look up and see her standing by the door. She's smiling. And crying, again. She turns to leave.

"Angie? Where are you going?"

"I'm giving you some time with your son. Talk to him Hodgins. Just talk to your boy."

I feel my heart start to beat hard in my chest. Without hesitation, my arms wrap around the small boy. I pull him close and lift him up onto my lap and hold him. I just hold him.

"So will you have to ride around in this chair forever Dad? Can you take me to school in it? That would be so cool. Nobody else has a dad in a wheelchair."

His high voice chattering away. A series of hypothetical situations we might find ourselves in when I come home.

When I go home. I haven't actually even considered that. Home. I tried to picture home. It really isn't set up for me. This. The chair. I feel my head shaking from side to side.

"I'm not sure when I'll be able to come home Michael Vincent. It might be a while yet."

He frowns at me. God he looks like his mother. So much like her. "Mom said the Doctors said you could come home in a week or two. That's not that long. "

"Well. We'll see."

He jumps off my lap and looks down at me, his hands are gripping the arms of the chair "Mom said we will have to change stuff at home. She had some man come over and he was measuring the doors. And I'm going to move into a different room so you can have mine."

"What? No! Why are you changing rooms" This isn't right. What man forces their child out of their bedroom?

"It's fine Dad. I'm going to move into the attic room upstairs. It's great! I have so much room up there. Mom said I can set it up any way I want. And my Scalextric car track can be set up all the time! No more packing it up! That is so cool!"

His face is glowing. His eyes sparkling. He's happy. I'm pretty sure he's more excited about moving rooms than me coming home. Can't say I blame him. I'm not exactly going to be fun Dad any more. And how the hell is Angie going to cope. God, I hope she's not thinking of quitting her job to stay home and look after me? I couldn't bear it. I'll. I'll admit myself to an institution rather than have that happen.

"Don't you want to come home Dad? You look sad" His voice bringing me back to the conversation.

I hug him. He needs to be hugged. "Sure I do. I'm just not sure I'm ready son. But I'll see what the doctors say. I'll let them decide when I'm able to come home. Why is Mom measuring the doors?"

Of course I know why. She's going to have them widened. She knows that a wheelchair won't fit through them easily. And Michael Vincent's bedroom is big. Bigger than our bedroom. Her bedroom now. Does this mean she isn't going to share a bed with me? Am I not man enough for her anymore? Am I even a man? I don't even know. Nothing has moved. Not even a little. Not even when they gave me those magazines. Nothing. I can't even control when I urinate. They say that might come back. But until then, I have to wear these stupid diapers. Either that, or they will insert a catheter. God I hope I don't have to have that. Then again. It would be easier than having someone changing me like a baby. God I hate this so much. I hate it. I hate it.

"I hate it"

"Dad?"

He looks scared.

"Nothing."

Thankfully, she comes through the door at that moment.

"Hi guys. Are you having a nice visit?"

I have to ask her. "So. You're having the house remodelled?"

Her face just flushed. Guess she didn't want to tell me yet.

"Well. I have to start preparing for when you come home sweetie. The doors. Well, they're way to narrow for. They need widening. And I'm moving our bed into Michael Vincent's old room. I know we agreed that we wanted him to have the bigger room, but it's not going to work now. And he loves the idea of living up in the attic."

I'm trying not to sound argumentative. "Isn't he a little young to be sleeping on the floor above us?"

She's smiling. Her arms are around me. "He's plenty old enough. It's not the next block. It's upstairs. And we'll be together. I'm going to have our room converted into a physiotherapy room for you. I've ordered some exercise equipment, so your therapist can come to you, rather than you having to come here to the hospital" Her lips are pressing against mine. Her lips. Finally. I open my mouth slightly. I want to taste her. And she's gone.

"I'm really excited about it Jack. It's going to be wonderful. We'll be together. Like a proper family again. I'm moving some things around. I've ordered a new sofa. A smaller one to make room for your. For you to get around easily."

She can't say it. "For my wheelchair. It's OK to say it Angie. We both better get used to it. I'm going to be in it for a long time. Maybe forever"

"Don't!"

Her arms are around me again, her face pressed into my neck. I hold her close to me.

"Don't say that Jack. Not out loud. You don't know that"

I need to breathe. She's holding me so tight. I have to gently push her off me.

"We need to consider it. It's a possibility. I'm not saying I'm resigned to it" I am. "I'm just saying, let's not live in denial about this."

Her head is shaking. Her mouth is opening and closing.

"It's OK Angie."

"No. It's not"

She's crying again.

I can't deal.

She's right. It's really not OK.


End file.
